Friday, October 15, 2010
Infant Loss Awareness Day
I have thought about what to write here today, but I am not quite sure where this is going. Today is Infant Loss Awareness day. I am sitting typing to the flicker of the candle that I have lit for Lia Rose and all the other parents who have lost their babies, and I know many, but here's just one.
It's quite amazing that just when you think that you cannot grieve anymore, that there are no more tears left to cry, something happens that brings you right back to that moment. It could be a song on the radio, or that you have heard of a loss, or you see a picture...it could be anything. I know that sometimes I still have a good cry for the loss of Lia Rose. I find it happens most often in the quiet of the night as I am feeding JP or cuddling him to sleep. He often looks like he is gazing right past me and it makes me think, can he see her, is he so innocent that he can see her and she is right there with us. Our own little angel. That's when the tears usually start and it isn't that inconsolable crying that occurred in my deepest of grief, but more of a gentle stream of tears. If Lia Rose was here JP would not be and that is so strange to think about because I cannot imagine life without him.
I hope for a day that no babies are born still, but right now I know more people who have lost babies than haven't. The losses occurred at all different stages. I am thankful that we were able to hold Lia and have a service for her. She is buried in a special section of the cemetery that is dedicated to infants. It breaks my heart when I go there, but I am glad that I have someplace to go.
I have learned how strong I am, how strong my husband is and how strong we are together. I know that we can do anything. I learned that there are so many people who truly care and would have done anything that they could. I learned that sometimes people come into you life at certain points for a reason, and people go out of your life for the same reason. I learned how incredibly generous people are. I am a changed person having gone through the loss, I feel that I have lost so much, but in a way have gained even more and for that I am thankful. I don't think that a year and ten months ago I would have ever thought that I would say anything like that.
So thank you Lia Rose for cracking my heart wide opened and showing me what unconditional love truly is.
At one glance/ I love you/ With a thousand hearts-Mihri Hatun